Affectionate Boy Part II

 Dear Micah,

I was just reading your reply about littleboys being too affectionate and always hanging and kissing their parents. I do agree that little boys that is ok, but what about 11 year old boys going into 6th grade that CONSISTANTLY hang on their dad, kiss them all over their body, and constantly tell them hi and I love you dude!! Isn't that a bit over the top. I have seen one boy sit next to his dad watching TV and is constantly touching him, kissing his head, arms, belly, etc. What is wrong with this picture?

T

Dear T,

            Regardless of the age, I still don't feel that there is anything frightening going on here.  Is it weird by today's standards?  Yes.  Should it be?  No.  The boy clearly loves his father and isn't embarrassed to express it.  I'd assume that he learned this freedom of expression from the Dad which would explain why neither one of them are uncomfortable with it.  I seriously doubt anything pervy (like molestation) is going on here, otherwise the contact would be secretive and hidden from view.  It's just a case of a father and son who love each other, have a close bond, and show each other a lot of physical affection.  The only cause for concern would be if the show of affection takes place in public and is just nauseating to watch because it's too frequent--like a couple who won't stop kissing in public.  So the question becomes does this bother you because it's just too much affection altogether or does it bother you because it involves an older male child with his male parent.  It's easy to figure out the answer.  If this boy was hugging and kissing and touching his Mother and telling her that he loves her every chance he got, would you still feel disturbed by it?  If so then it's because he is overly affectionate.  If not then it really is because they are both males and your view of how male affection should be expressed is clouding your opinion.  Let me say upfront that I don't believe you fall into this category.  I think you are more disturbed because it's just too much affection--BUT, for those out there that do fall into this latter category, let me explain again why it's not inappropriate.  We hear women complaining all the time that their men are not open to emotion or that they will not talk about how they feel.  Their men seem closed-off to them.  This all begins in childhood when the boy is told that he shouldn't hug his friends anymore or that he's too big to kiss Daddy goodnight.  People teach their sons to close off emotionally for fear he might be thought of as a sissy.  I don't know exactly when manliness became synonymous with emotionless, but somewhere it did.  And so the cycle continues as women marry men who are closed off emotionally and then they raise boys that they teach to close off emotionally while they complain to friends that their husband is closed off emotionally.  It's so simple.  Let your boys show love and affection without fear of being chastised or made fun of and this world will improve in just one generation.  I have three godsons and they are being raised in a very loving and affectionate household.  All three boys still call their father Daddy and kiss him on the lips goodnight every night and there is nothing sissy about any of those three boys.  Showing Dad affection won't make you girly, gay, or weak.  In fact there is no stronger display of your confidence in your own masculinity than being able to show affection to another man.  Affection does not equate sexuality.  I am a gay man and I have some straight male friends that kiss me hello and goodbye every time I see them and there is nothing sexual in the gestures-- Just as I kiss their wives and do not mean anything sexual by it.  A boy who can show physical affection for his father will most likely become a man who is more confident, has more friends, has a stronger emotional connection to his wife, and will be a better father than a boy who is raised to believe that he should suppress his emotions and affections.  People never think about where their teachings will eventually lead.  A boy taught to suppress his emotions will eventually suppress them so well that he will push them out completely until he actually feels very little about anything or anyone. 

            Now back to the first part of what I said...I think that you would be all right with the occasional display of affection if it just weren't so in your face all the time.  I would love to know how the boy acts with his mother or siblings or best friend.  Is it only his Dad that he displays the affection to or does he do this with everyone?  If he is just overly affectionate period, you could try to tell him that people don't like to see public displays of affection, but then you'd have to explain why.  Explaining to a child that people are uncomfortable seeing others showing one another love is a hard topic to cover.  If you go too far you'll cause him to start suppressing his emotions, like I mentioned before.  It's a very tricky thing to explain.  My advice would be to not try to explain it.  Parents should just seize opportunities as they arise.  If they are walking through the movie theater lobby and see two people making out, they should just point them out to the child and say, "Showing that you love someone is a great thing, but they're going a little too far in a public place don't you think?  They should get a room!"  Using other people as examples and making a joke of it is a great way to convey the message without it having to embarrass the child.   With all of that said, if this child is showing Dad, or anyone else in his family, a large amount of affection within the confines of their own home...let it go.  The child should feel safe enough in his own home to show his love to his parents, however nauseating it may be.  Now if you're out at Applebee's and the boy starts kissing his father's chest, then I think the reactions from the public at large are going to teach the boy how that is inappropriate.  But in his own home, he should feel free enough to express his love.  Believe me, TIME and PEERS are going to curb much of that affection all on its own so you don't have to spend too much time worrying about it.  

Return to Column >