ASK MICAH "Parents Know Best"

Dear Micah,

               My mother and father have a problem with my boyfriend. They do not see him the way that I do and so far nothing I can do is changing that. He works in a bar and they say this is a sign that he's going no where in life. We only get to see each other on Sunday nights and once during the week so they automatically assume he cheats on me (which he doesn't). They also claim that we shouldn't be together because we argue sometimes. Everybody argues. We are passionate people. When we love it's pretty passionate and when we fight it can get pretty loud, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't be together. Maybe we don't have the most perfect relationship, but its the one that I want.  I am a grown woman. Shouldn't I be respected enough by my parents to make my own choices when it comes to love?

Rebecca

Dear Rebecca,

               Just because you have grown up doesn't mean that your parents suddenly stop looking out for you.  My mother will still tell me when she thinks I'm doing something stupid and I'm 38 years old. I have never seen the day when she didn't believe that her opinion was something I needed to hear. And that's okay, because 38 or not, I am still her child until the day she dies. Something changes in a person once they have a child--I have just in the last year experienced this myself. Right now my little boy is dependent upon me for everything. I make his decisions. I decide when its mealtime or bedtime, or what he'll wear, or what he is or isn't allowed to play with in the house. But one day soon he'll be a grown man and he'll operate independently from me. He'll be the one who decides what he's eating tonight. He'll be deciding who he is hanging out with tomorrow. Right now he is always by my side, but soon that won't be the case and he will be outside of our house in another place where I won't be. He will be making choices that I cannot control, and at every possible turn I will be calling him up and giving him my opinion about his choices. I can already tell that I am going to have a hard time dealing with his independence. Oh, I will let him go and I will let him do his own thing because that's what I am supposed to do; But Rebecca, I already know that it is impossible to shut off the desire to protect and guide your child, even when they aren't a child anymore.  You may be an adult now, but they will always have 20-plus years experience on you that they will want you to benefit from. Your parents believe that your boyfriend isn't the one for you. They are probably right. They've known you longer than you've known yourself and they've witnessed you make wrong choices enough to recognize when it's happening again. Now, I'm not saying that you should live your life the way they dictate--I just want you to ease up and not be so harsh with them. Even if they are right about your relationship, you still should follow it through to the end and learn your lessons from the experience. Just don't get too .....adamant that they are wrong because the relationship you described to me doesn't sound too promising. You are dating a man that you rarely see, who is surrounded by temptation and the draw of nightlife. You love hard and fight heatedly. You said "Maybe we don't have the most perfect relationship, but it's the one that I want." I don't think that it is the one you want...I think it's just the one you have. I'd bet if you could pick and choose you'd rather that this man didn't work in a bar full of people having fun and women who may or may not be hitting on him. I'd also bet that you'd prefer to be spending Friday and Saturday nights with him and that you'd like to see him more than twice in a week's time. There doesn't seem to be much opportunity here to move this relationship forward. I'm not telling you to dump him, maybe the small amount of time you do see him makes up for the rest of the lonely week. Only you know that. I'm just saying that you shouldn't get too huffy with your parents over this. It sounds like they may be some pretty smart people.

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