Back-Up Love

 Dear Ask Micah,

               I just started dating a woman that I really like, the problem is I don't know if she really likes me or not.  A lot of times when I ask her out she'll say that she's busy.  After a few times I take the hint and stop calling figuring she's not interested but then she'll call me and want to make plans.  I don't know what to make with all the mixed signals.  Do I need to start seeing other women or wait on her to make up her mind, or what?  Give me the gay guy's perspective!

Kevin

Dear Kevin,

               You are her stand-by guy.  She's calling you on the days no one else has called her.  You're the back-up which keeps her from sitting home on Saturday night.  On the days you're calling her and she tells you that she is busy, she has a date with the man she really wants to be going out with.  On the days she agrees to go out with you or the days she actually calls you herself, those are the days that the preferred man didn't ask her out.  You aren't her first date choice, but you'll do in a pinch when there's no one else around and she's bored or hungry.  This doesn't make her a bad person--hell I hope not because back in the day when I dated I had a stand-by guy too.  It can be a positive thing to know exactly where you stand with someone.  In fact you could really work this to your advantage.  Make her your own back-up plan as you pursue other women.  If you find yourself free on a particular night, call her up and see if she's free as well;  But let her always be second or third choice.  Never call the stand-by date first.  I think that pretty much answers the last part of your question too, YES you should start dating other women!  You shouldn't have ever stopped.  You do not take yourself off the market unless a conversation has been had between you and the person you are dating whereby you both vocalize that you want to only see one another.  Don't ever just stop dating other people unless you KNOW that you are in a committed relationship.  So start dating around.  Make yourself unavailable for this woman when she calls from time to time.  If all you are to her is a back-up plan, just make sure you file her in the same category.  

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