Raising Adults

 

Dear Micah,
               All of the kids on our street are around the same age and they are all playmates. That's been great for most of us because we can all kind of follow each other on things like what movies we allow our kids to watch or what foods and beverages we let them drink. Many of us have lived here since our kids were small so we've all gone through the stages together like losing teeth, starting school, the truth about Santa, you see what I mean. Well, through all of these years there has been that one house that has the children we have to tiptoe around. They weren't ready to own up to the Santa thing, so our children to this day can't reveal the truth about Santa with their kids. Then there'll be television and movie conflicts. One of the parents will want to take the kids to see a movie, and this mom will object to that particular movie and so all the kids have to see a more childish movie than they wanted to see. For example, the Iron Man 2 movie that was out not long ago. She had a fit when my neighbor's husband planned to take all the kids to see it. It was too violent for her children.  I have also been known to get a call from that mom because her child watched a program at my house that she feels was inappropriate. I'm a responsible mother. I do not let children watch dirty movies or violent TV shows. What we're talking about is programming that her children are more than old enough to see. Most of the kids in this group are between 11-13. So I personally think it's all right if the kids watch a PG-13 movie at my house. None of the other parents have objections. Movies aren't the only issue, these kids parents are always trying to hush up conversations and censor what we adults are talking about because they feel it's not appropriate for their children to hear. Like the other day some of us were standing around talking about a neighbor who just found out her teenage daughter was pregnant. They had a fit because we were discussing this while the kids were around. I didn't feel it was anything to hide. The kids are going to know she's pregnant very soon when they see her. My kids understand where babies come from and that sometimes people have babies who aren't married. I don't believe in tiptoeing around subjects if my kids are around. It doesn't bother me for them to hear about things like that and ask questions. I guess I'm just frustrated because I am tired of having to walk on eggshells around her children, who are old enough to know about more than Hannah Montana and Dora the Explorer. How do we handle these situations without giving in and treating our own kids like two year olds?
 "Inappropriate" Mom
Dear Inappropriate,
               Your neighbors don't want to admit, even to themselves, that their children are growing up. They can't face that fact and its bound to cause some friction along the way. It's also going to cause just as much conflict inside of their home as it is causing outside of their home, because you cannot stop a child from growing up and wanting to learn about the world. I have always held the opinion that there are two kinds of parents out there: The kind that are raising kids, and the kind that are raising adults.  I personally fall into the latter category. You hear all the time parents saying, "Let children be children as long as they can." Although I wholeheartedly agree with that, the sentiment should also be accompanied with, "but do not force them to remain children longer than they ought to." I have an infant at home right now, but soon he will be a little boy and it will be my job to raise him into a smart, thoughtful, respectful, and informed young man. I cannot enter his formative years believing that it's my job to keep him a child as long as I can. It's my job to prepare him for the world that he is going to have to live in.   The same goes for your children and your neighbors kids. How prepared are your neighbor's children going to be for life if they are constantly sheltered from it. 
               I think that you should sit your neighbor down over a cup of coffee or glass of tea and explain things to her. Start off by telling her, "I understand that you want to shelter your children from some of the world's seedier side, and I can appreciate that, but you need to understand that I am trying to teach my children how to cope with that part of life. Every time you shush me or question my decisions you are undermining my parenting process." Then add, "When I discuss an adult topic in front of my children, please do not mistake that as my being caught up in the moment and unaware of my children's presence. I know when my children are listening to me and if I discuss something in front of them it is not accidental and I do not need you to remind me to be quiet." Explain to her that your children are going to have to live and work among people, so it's up to you to make sure that they understand people and that they possess some knowledge about the ways of the world before they are thrown out into it. Tell her that your children are going to have to know about the good that people do, the bad that people do, and how to navigate through both. They must learn about drugs and alcohol and how they can ravage a life, not to mention the joys and pitfalls of sex. Movies and television are excellent tools to open up the waves of conversation with kids, so tell her that you know how much to expose to your kids and if they watch something more adult themed it is on purpose and not because you are a lazy, neglectful parent. Once you've explained your side of things, concede that perhaps she isn't ready for her children to be exposed to certain topics and that you will do your best to keep her children clear of it. Unfortunately, that is going to mean that her kids are going to be sent home sometimes when your children are watching certain television shows or going to PG-13 movies. Some parents do not like questions from their children on hard topics, but let her know that you don't mind. Tell her, "I hope that my children will ask me all the questions their little minds can think of, because I want all the answers they hear to come from me." Then add, "There is so much ground to cover and so little time to cover it before they enter the world on their own. It would be pretty selfish of me to try and keep them a child longer than usual just so that I don't have to face uncomfortable conversations." I bet if you say that you may start your neighbor to thinking about how she's been handling things and she may possibly reevaluate her parenting technique.    Regardless of what she does, keep parenting your way. Your kids will be better adults for it.

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