The Cheater's Remorse

 

Dear Micah,
               I am a divorced man with two kids under the age of ten. My marriage broke up after 12 years because my wife learned that I had been seeing another woman. I understand her pain with that and how I hurt her, but it's been a year now and she still seems to be overly hostile towards me. I know I did wrong and I hurt her, but she lashes out at me a fair amount of the time. She also frequently bad-mouths me to our mutual friends. I hear through the grapevine quite often that she has made some cutting remark or told some private story about me to people we know. How can I talk with her and tell her that enough is enough? I know I was a jerk that ruined our marriage, but it's time to let it go already.   How should I broach the subject?
The loathed ex
Dear Loathed,
               This is very tricky because I think that you should definitely talk to her, but before do, you must make sure that you really comprehend the full effect of your actions. You admit that you were "a jerk that ruined my marriage," but you also make the statement that "she should be over it by now". That is partially true, but the thing you aren't grasping is that you may have ruined your marriage, but you ruined a portion of her life. What I mean is that when you cheated on her and it became public knowledge, her image took a major hit. Before this occurred I am sure that she took great pride in being your wife. Her stable home environment was her rock, so to speak. I bet she found strength in her relationship with you and no matter how bad her day might have been, she could go home to you and her family and feel safe and secure. Maybe many of her friends envied her because of your relationship. I'd wager that her public persona was above reproach and a lot of people wished they had her life. Then boom! You blew it all out of the water. Not only did she have to wrap her mind around the fact that her husband had been unfaithful and that her steady home environment--her rock--had crumbled, but she also had to contend with the fact that everyone now knew her enviable life was a charade. Basically you humiliated her in front of everyone you all knew. You stripped her bare of all respect and admiration. She spent twelve years living a life that turned out to be untrue. Now, I don't mean to imply that you never loved her or that your whole married life was a waste of time, but in her eyes she feels that way to some degree. Things might have been different had you taken a more honest path and told her that you were unhappy in the marriage and wanted to divorce. You could have then divorced and started a new relationship. Oh, don't get me wrong, she'd have still hated you and she'd have still thought you were scum, but she'd have been able to keep her married years as a measurable span of time in which she lived a great life. You see, the affair sullied those years. It would have been better to have just abruptly ended it and left her than to have tarnished the marriage and made it look like you had probably been cheating on her the whole time. Her anger at you goes much deeper than just the end of a marriage. You destroyed her public image and probably her private one as well. Just the fact that these mutual friends are telling you how she is bad-mouthing you is simple proof that they are gossiping about her behind her back, to you and to each other. Some friends love to see a particularly secure friend get the rug pulled out from under her, and these mutual friends of yours are clearly enjoying her fall. And that's what is eating her alive, and you caused it. 
               So with this understanding in mind, I do believe that you should sit down and talk to her and really try to convey the fact that you fully comprehend everything that you did to her. Show her that you know there is far more than just the affair taunting her, like the fallout from it as well. She is not going to forgive you and she is not going to quit hating you, but she may find a small amount of comfort and peace if she can believe that you truly comprehend the pain you have caused her. Then, you should have a similar talk with your children because you have done exactly the same thing to them.

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