The Good Samaritan

 Dear Ask Micah,

               My son's girlfriend's mom is dead and her father is an alcoholic.  That's a good way to start a help question off, right?  Any way she is a really sweet girl but her father's drinking makes things hard on her at home.  My son wants her to come live with our family.  My husband and I are okay with it as long as they follow some ground rules but we don't know if it's appropriate or not.  We don't want to set tongues wagging that will cause this girl more trouble than she already has.  What do you think about our letting her come stay with us.  Oh my son and she are both 15 if that's important.

M

Dear M,

               Don't worry about wagging tongues.  If you move this girl into your house those tongues are definitely going to wag, so let them.  The only really important thing is that this girl be given an opportunity to live her school-age years in a peaceful and safe environment.  If you are the only person who can provide that for her then I think you should--providing you have covered the legalities and aren't going to get into any troubles with her father, and providing you are not placing your own family at a disadvantage.  You sound like a reasonable and generous person so I think you can feel safe in trusting your gut, and your gut tells you this is the right thing to do.  You spoke of the "ground rules" you set for your son and his girlfriend.  I imagine those rules concern your family's view and position on sex and what is and is not appropriate under your roof.  That is something that you and your husband must cover with them.  They are teens with raging hormones after all.  However, I trust that you have that topic already covered with the kids.  My advice concerns a different aspect of this living arrangement.  I'd like you to pull your son aside privately and have a talk with him about the ramifications to his life if his girlfriend moves in with the family.  I think it's important that he understand that although this girl is in real need of a safe and secure home life, if she moves in with your family it can't just be based on the fact that she is his girlfriend.  In other words, he needs to view this arrangement as a permanent thing, regardless of where their relationship ends up.  They are both young and they both will probably become interested in other people down the line.  It's important that they feel safe to break up if they desire and it not affect the living arrangement.  Her being welcome in your home cannot be hinged to their relationship, and he has to be able to accept this before she moves in.  It isn't healthy for either of them if any party thinks she has to stay your son's girlfriend otherwise become homeless.  That's just as stressful an environment as the one she's leaving.  Right now they are in love, but down the road they might not be.  In a way, this living arrangement is going to place these two 15 year olds into a position similar to marriage.  You, as an adult, know how spouses can get on each other's nerves at times.  Well, these kids are going to be together day and night, at home and at school--they are bound to have some spats.  You and your husband have to be willing to let their relationship run its course and find its own way without your interference, just as you would if this girl lived across town.  You must find a balance between being a supportive friend to a girl in need and remaining loyal to your son.  If problems arise, you must find a way to not take sides and to not cause the girl to feel alienated in the house, yet still let your son know that your love and devotion to him never waivers.  Can you do that if it occurs?  In many ways it's like you are adopting this girl.  You have to keep loving her and being her "adoptive mother" even if she isn't his girlfriend any longer.  And if they break up, can your son stop thinking of her as his ex and view her as more of an adopted sibling?  This is the conversation you need to have with your son before you move this girl in with your family.   If any of this seems like it could pose a problem, then don't move her in.  Maybe you have a friend or a sister that would be willing to take her in.  That might be a less complicated option.

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