The Sex Talk

 

Micah,
               I have a unique situation. My son is sexually active. From what I've overheard, very sexually active with several girls. I'm not a prude, I do get it, but he needs to reel it in a little. I am a single mom with no boyfriend or close male figure to talk to him. How can get a conversation going between us about this and what advice can I give him without having him think I'm being intrusive?
Concerned Mom

Dear Mom,

               This isn't your next door neighbor who you hope you aren't disturbing when you play your stereo too loudly--He is your son--you get to intrude all you want to! When it comes to sex there are some important things he needs to think about and it's your job to protect him. When he was a little boy you taught him how to look both ways before he crossed the street and how to treat other people the way he'd like to be treated. Well, you aren't finished helping him navigate through life yet. Now it's time for you to guide him through the world of sexual responsibility. Not too long ago I actually had a similar conversation with a fifteen year old that is very close to my family. He's a good kid who is just beginning to enter the world of serious relationships and his parents and I have been talking to him here and there trying to prepare him for all the obstacles and pitfalls awaiting him out there. I do not know what your son's age is or how much he already knows about sex. Obviously, if he is relatively young and new to all of this your first duty is to make sure he understands the importance of protection and how to use a condom properly, including paying attention to expiration dates and how he should never store it in his wallet. Go over all of the protection basics with him, but don't let that be the focus of your talk. Lots of parents just have the fundamental "sex talk" and end it there, but there is so much more territory to cover, especially in this day and age. When I was talking to my young friend about sex, I wanted to put the emphasis on understanding the character of the person he may involve himself with. Is she honest? Is she kind? Is she clingy? Is she obsessive? Taking the time to know someone's character before you crawl into bed with them can save you a lot of heartache later. I also wanted to spur him to start thinking about how he should treat a sexual partner and what kind of treatment he should expect in return. For example, your son needs to understand that any girl he becomes intimate with possesses some kind of self esteem, be it good or bad. He can either help to bolster it or he can degrade it, dependent upon how he treats her in the relationship. He should enter every sexual encounter honestly so that his partner never has any confusion about what is happening. If he really likes her and wants to see what kind of future they could have, then he should be open about that. Likewise, if he is just out for sex then he needs to make that perfectly clear to the girl so that she doesn't feel used and abused. Contrary to popular belief, it won't necessarily mean that she won't go through with it either, and she'll know where she stands. He should always try to consider the dignity of any person he is involved with and he deserves the same consideration for himself. I think many good hearted young men do a lot of harm inadvertently because they fail to realize that they are leaving a mark on every girl they date, even if they aren't sexually involved. The way they treat a girl and the way she allows herself to be treated could follow her the rest of her life. If your son treats this girl badly and tears away at her self-esteem he could be the reason she eventually marries the guy who hits her. Of course I'm not saying that the girl doesn't play a role in how her life turns out, but low self esteem begins somewhere, and many times it begins with a girl's first love. Also, any parent of a son needs to make sure he fully understands the difference between "yes" and "no", and that he should always respect the "no." Do not argue it or try to sweet-talk her into a "yes." Respect the "no" and if that means you need to break up and move on to someone that says "yes" then by all means do it. Better to do that than to talk a girl into a sexual encounter that she isn't comfortable with.   You admit that your son is sexually active with several girls, so obviously he has found many "yes" girls. Now you need to warn him about the dangers of too much sex with too many people too soon. I'm not talking about the diseases and the pregnancy risks involved, you should have already covered that. I'm referring to the social and emotional ones. In short, if your son is a man-whore then no quality girl is going to go out with him because to do so would jeopardize her reputation. Explain to him that if a girl works really hard to build a wholesome image for herself and then a guy like him asks her out, she won't go even if she really likes him. Her public image would be ruined even if she never does anything with him. Just being seen with him is enough to tank her reputation. So your son could be relegating himself to a life of "low-women", as my grandmother would say, if he continues to so freely toss himself around from girl to girl. While you're at it, you might also warn your son that not all girls are good natured and innocent. Some of them can be just as predatory as the proverbial hormone-raging teenage boy.   In the past it was almost always the guy who was the pursuer, but now the girls are doing much of the pursuing and some of these girls are out for more than just affection. Some want to inflict pain or embarrassment, or collect guys as their trophy.  Another concern is the internet. In this day and age anyone who is sexually active has to be careful that their private moments are actually private and not being aired all over the web. It all falls back to what I said earlier about knowing one's character. If you have taken the time to get to know the character of the person you are sleeping with, then you are usually going to be all right. Your son--and all people really--should know what kind of person they are bedding before they bed them. A lot of turmoil could be avoided if more people were doing that. So go and advise your son. Your little boy is running blindly out into the street into traffic and you need to remind him to look both ways first.

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