To Move or Not to Move?

Micah,

               I have been presented with an interesting opportunity. A job offer came from out of state. It's a really great job and I would love to take it. It would mean more money for my family and an interesting new level to my career. Here's the dilemma: Moving is going to upset the lives of my children (ages 8, 14, and 16) and the rest of our close-knit family. I have several siblings and our families are all very close. Also there is my ex-husband to consider. He is not happy with the idea but says he will not fight me on it if I decide to go. He says that he will drive to us for visits and we can meet halfway when it's time for them to go for his weekends. We have a good relationship and despite being divorced, support each other rather well. I haven't said anything to my kids yet until I know what I plan to do. I think I know the answer but I'd love an opinion from you because I usually think that you make a lot of sense when I read your stuff.

               Candace

Dear Candace,

               The first rule of life is to trust your instincts, unless you happen to know that your instincts are always wrong. I wouldn't say that everyone should follow this rule because there are some really stupid people floating around out there and the last thing they need to be doing is listening to themselves. You on the other hand, sound pretty intelligent. Just having a positive relationship with your ex-husband speaks volumes about who you are. So I'd say that if you think you know what you should do, then you already know what you should do. But just in case you really want to know what I would do...here it is:

               I would decline the job offer. It's a wonderful opportunity and it is very flattering that you received the offer, but too much is at stake. I come from a close-knit family too. My childhood was spent with grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles. Because of that I have many great memories and I have many interesting components to my personality thanks to some of them. I like who I turned out to be and I owe most of that to the people who were in my life when I was growing up. Your children have that wonderful experience now too with your family. They also have their father in close proximity. Sure, you're divorced, but it sounds like he's just a phone call away when needed. There are so many kids out there without a decent father in their lives, it seems a shame for your children to have one and then to be forced to move away from him. It's great that he thinks he will be able to drive to you when he wants to see his children, but practically speaking that isn't going to be how it works out. Let's say that he really feels like taking the kids for ice cream after work one night. He can't do it. You're too far away and so what could have been a special impromptu memory is lost forever. Also if one of the kids has a game or a play at school, he isn't really going to be able to drive all the way to see them. For me, just the separation from their father would be enough to make up my mind. There are also the children's friendships to consider, especially the older two. They have had years in school to cultivate friendships and find their position in the pack. Moving will only cause them to have to start over. Even if they make friends easily, they will always be on the fringe of their new group. Deep and lasting friendships are forged through shared history, shared circumstances, inside jokes, and memories together. They will have missed a lot of this with their new friends and may not feel as involved or part of things. School years can be hard enough on a child; They become even harder if there is anything at all that separates you from the others. Being the new kid is sometimes enough to start a whole peck of trouble. So for all of these reasons, I'd let that new job go to someone who wouldn't be upsetting other lives to accept it. You are obviously good at what you do, so stay put and keep doing it.

               So there it is, my opinion. It may be different from what you thought it would be or it may match yours exactly, but that's how I interpret it. However, again I will say, go with your instincts. You know way more about your life and situations than I do, so trust yourself first, and if you're still undecided, go with what I said.

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